Suyodhana

 I feel my head is going to split into thousand pieces. Should share my woes with someone. But with whom? My best friend is dead. So is dear brother Dushasan. And great grand father. Of course I can't share my feelings with parents. One is blind both inside and outside. And the other is though can see through see things, completely helpless.

When did things start falling apart? Where did I go wrong? Or when did I start going wrong and doing wrong without any remorse?

Since I was this little, I remember grand father Bheeshma's words. Little Suyodhan, don't hurt your cousins. Poor little things. Poor Little things indeed. I could see Bheem's fists behind Bheeshma. And Arjun would not be rude, but braggart. If there is any incident, everyone would reproach me. No one believed that little Bheem can be equally quarrelsome and was liberal with his blows. I would get so angry, in order to prove them right, I would just try to hit Nakul or Sahadev.

Everyone praised the poor little Pandavs. Everyone either forgot about me and my brothers or thought we were up to some mischief. Initially I would run to mother and try to explain the situation to mother. She will hear everything and then tell slowly. "Suyodhan, Yudhistir and his brothers are good. They will not hurt you. Even if they hit you, you should try to forget it and be friends with them. Now you are a big boy and you understand the difference between good and bad.". This was worse than reproaches of Bheeshma and guru Drona.

But by some luck I found the most improbable ally, my father. One day I was trying to complain about Bheem to him. My hopeless effort in rousing the sympathy of someone, any one. Then I added "How can he fight with me. The future king of Hastinapur?" I saw different emotions dancing on his face. Pride, joy, worry, envy. I was confused. What is father worried about? Whom is he envious about?

Then one old servant of father told me the twisted history of Kuru clan. How Pandu was made the king as my father was blind. And when Pandu died, father was again enthroned. So ideally the kingdom would belong to uncle Pandu's sons once they grow up. I could not understand the logic. I am the son of elder brother. So should not the kingdom belong to me?

Anyways after I hesitantly brought it up with father, he talked for hours. But I could sense his envy and his fears about our future and his inner hatred for Pandavs.  But even he would not dare to openly support me.

Things became better only after Karn became my friend. He would understand me, scold me when I am wrong, praise me for my good qualities. And to top it all, he was the greatest archer, may be even better than Arjun.

Look at the irony. He is eldest of Pandavs. My true friend was the eldest son of aunt Kunti. Anyone in his place would switch sides after knowing the truth. Not Karn, he tried to defend me and my army till his last breath and would have won the war, if not for cunning Krishna who forced Arjun to shoot an arrow to helpless Karn who was trying lift his chariot which was stuck in ground. Did he die a honorable death, dying for his king and friend? Or did I my arrogance and wrong and stupid decisions killed my only friend?

But I gradually lost the ability to discern the difference between right and wrong. My uncle Vidur, grand father and Drona would me guilty every time. But my brothers and Shakuni would support and cheer me all the time. I chose to believe the latter.

Everyone thinks it is my fault that Dushasan tried to pull Draupadi's saree. But why does not anyone see what a cruel husband Yudhistir is for bidding his wife in the game? Only after he lost Draupadi, we ordered her to be brought to court. And once she was there, I could only see one picture, she laughing when I stumbled in their new palace. Was I aware of my brother pulling her saree? May be yes. May be no. The son of blind king was blind. His eyes were blinded by anger and hatred?

No one calls me by my name. They call me Dur yodhan. Bad warrior? Is it possible that a person turns from saint to sinner by others? Or I am trying to blame others for my innate badness?

I don't have answers to any of these questions. Nor can anyone provide answers. Not my blind parents. Nor  anyone else. I want to cry. But I can not. How can the Sun of kuru kula cry? He gets his peace only when the almighty decides to end this long terrible night mare called life.

Notes:
All these characters are taken from the epic, Mahabharatha.
1> Suyodhana - known as Duryodhana is the eldest son of Dhritarashtra. and arch enemy of pandavas.
2> Mahabharatha war was fought between his army and pandava's army in which finally pandavas win.
3> Bheeshma is half brother of Vichitraveerya who had two sons Dhritarashtra  who was born blind and Pandu. Pandu's sons are called Pandavas who are Yudhistira (Dharmaraja), Arjuna, Bheema, Nakula, Sahadeva. Dhritarashtra had 100 sons including Duryodhana, Dushasana called Kauravas and a daughter Dushshala.
4> Dhritarashtra's wife, Duryodhan's mother Gandhari, on knowing that her husband blind, blind folded herself and remained so till her death. She did not want the sight which her husband did not have.
5> Pandu had two wives Kunti and Madri. Kunti's sons are Dharmaraja, Arjuna and Bheema. Madri's sons are Nakula and Sahadeva. Pandu who was anointed as king died early bringing the throne to Dhritarashtra.
6> Drona was the teacher who taught various martial arts, and other education to both Kauravas and Pandavas.
7> In the game of dice, between Duryodhana and Dharmaraja, the latter loses everything. Then he keeps his brothers and himself at stake and loses them. Finally he loses even his wife (who was the wife of all five Pandavas). Now Duryodhana asks his brother to bring her to the court and when brought asks her to remove royal clothes. When she does not, he tries to pull her saree in front of all assembled courtiers and all elders of Kuru clan. Nobody comes to her rescue. But as he pulls layers and layers of her saree, her saree keeps extending.